Later in the week, usually by Thursday but sometimes Wednesday, I am able to sit at a desk and analyze the genetic tests sequenced earlier in the week. I had been ahead of schedule, which allowed me to sit, contemplate, and send back several lengthy retorts to Jay’s message after returning to the lab.
Me: Look I called and apologized for how I talked to you after that happened. And as soon as I got back from talking with you that night, the thought of not being friends with you hurt worse than sucking it up and dealing with you having a girlfriend. Not hearing from you at all or getting a “talk to you later” followed by nothing showed me how little I meant to you. Today hearing you couldn’t call me because you didn’t want to stir the pot is on you. I would’ve more than respected your relationship because I cared about you first and what i wanted came second, And I had liked you “that” way for months so it wasn’t a sudden thing. Plus, when I was pouring my heart out to you all I got was shrugging and silence. How would that elicit a nice response? All I for sure know is that all of it (the situation, the way I responded, and finding out my place by your lack of response) left me absolutely completely devastated.
Me: And as far as what I said, you could’ve talked to me about it when I was able to get over the shock of things. Hearing from Em that it was a surprise you returned my call because you were too hurt to ever talk to me again…yeah, that didn’t exactly feel great either.
Me: Another correction, I wasn’t hurt that you were dating someone. I was upset that I didn’t get the same consideration I would’ve given you if it came to me meeting someone. Had you let me know, I would’ve told you how I felt and wished you luck if you didn’t want anything more than friendship from me. Instead, I felt like an idiot who was talking to someone she cared for but apparently knew nothing about.
Me: For earlier today, I apologize. I should’ve held back on any hurtful, smart quips.
By this time it was almost 4 pm and the Brazil game was over. I was ready to head out the door when a response on my phone finally appeared.
Jay: Well you had a lot to say. That’s good you got it off your chest. This friendship will not work because we will never see eye to eye. The past will never be forgotten. Take care and I hope you do well in life.
Jay: And I am sorry for making you feel the way that you do.
My stomach and heart hit the floor simultaneously. Right on cue my eyes began to water, and I bolted outside to avoid someone seeing me visibly upset. The Kia provided the cover needed as I hopped inside and blasted the AC. We continued back and forth while I sat in the car and attempted to collect myself.
Me: Wow man. Just like that.
Jay: I am not going to be bickering with a friend, family member, any one. I do not feel the way you do and I am not going to talk about this every time we are on the phone. Especially knowing how you feel and constantly having that in the back of your mind so that anytime you can remind me of it. It is still bothering you and you made that clear.
Jay: Just like that…How do you want this to work?
Me: How do I feel?
Jay: Look this is what I meant when I said not to stir anything up. I am not fighting with you.
Me: I was content to let it be at the end of the phone convo. You called me out on some stuff and I had a response. If you preferred not to stir anything up you could’ve at least been a man before and said that you didn’t want to hear from me. It was apparently a really, really bad idea to try and see how you were. I can assure you it will not happen again, or what I mean to say is “talk to you later”…I think that’s how you say it.
I figured that comment would do the trick and end our exchange, but Jay continued on.
Jay: Yup that’s right. And I said something because I don’t feel it was my fault, which you make me feel it is. You have so much to say and I don’t. Yes again I can shrug my shoulders and say nothing…I think that’s how you say it.
Me: I don’t make you feel anything.
Me: If what I said affected you then own it, don’t put it on me.
Once I arrived at the house, I darted upstairs to the safety of my bedroom. More messages continued to appear. More tears continued to flow. Blankets and sheets covering the bed served as both my solace and my Kleenex for the remainder of the afternoon.
Jay: Ok but words mean nothing right? I don’t buy it. I hear what you have said and that’s fine. The snide comments from you that constantly remind me of your displease with me started it today. I did not want to get into this either. This is exactly what I don’t need.
Me: If I just wanted to ream you out I could’ve done that in an email or some other way without having to bother with talking about how you’re doing.
Me: Bottom line is that I genuinely missed your friendship regardless of my opinion of how that friendship ended. And because I already loved you as a friend, I still care about how you are even when you’re not one or not in my life.
Me: That’s what led to the phone call and email. I wasn’t trying to get into an argument.
Me: Anyway, I don’t share your opinion on guys/girls being friends or that we couldn’t be either, but I know I’m done trying.
Jay: I am not putting it on you so don’t take it as which. I am stating that what I feel regardless of how it sounds or is made out to be. I did not want to fight, bicker, or anything cause that is not a friendship to me.
Jay: I always wanted to still be your friend. You couldn’t have it remember? Even today I had a good time talking to you before we discussed my relationship.
Me: No, I put it to you as most likely something that a new girlfriend would not like. Had you bothered to ever call, or call later that night, I would’ve told you that having you as a friend is something that I didn’t want to give up. I still miss you (like I said I would) and it took a while to get used to not being able to talk to you after a rough day or when I saw something I knew you would find funny. The thing is that when I called those efforts were never returned. I would like to believe you wanted that but your actions never showed it. One day [MFM] told me to stop being so sad and said that if you cared about me, I would know it. There hasn’t been one time that you initiated a call or email or anything to see how I was doing. That makes it kinda hard for me.
Me: …kinda hard to bother trying.
Me: The silence just reinforced everything that already hurt.
A few hours later, Jay was almost done.
Jay: After some thought, I would just like to say that I apologize for not ending the friendship when I did not believe the friendship could exist with the baggage it carried. I can now only wish you the best and hope you find happiness.
When I moved past the cheesiness of his message, and the fact that it sounds like something a Lifetime Movie douche-bag character would say, I started crying. Again. To have even a whiff of the possibility of friendship, and subsequently lose it to a smart comment, was unbearable to me. Before I flopped on the bed and cried myself to sleep, I managed to send one last response.
Me: I don’t understand how you got to that point, because I don’t throw people away like that. Apparently our friendship was never where I thought it was. Shoulda figured that out by now, but I had hoped I was wrong. I do and always will care about you so no need for all that wishing you happiness bullshit…it’s a given.
Me: Later man. Take care.
The temptation to take a personal day on Thursday was hard to overcome, but I managed to suck it up and head to work regardless of my puffy eyes. I suppose even talking to Jay was so surreal that the whole argument felt almost imagined. Hardly believing that anything between he and I could ever get to that point seemed to add to the illusion. Unfortunately, my failed attempt to hold it together at work was more than enough to send me free-falling back into reality. Jay’s anger and inability to get over what I said to him in October was shocked and unexpected. If anything, I thought it would be easier for him than it was for me. I didn’t have another person to focus on or comfort me back then or even now, but he did and still does. As I moved around the lab, I alternated between sadness over how horrible yesterday had been, the helplessness I felt in wanting to fix things but not knowing how, and the anger at never being told what exactly had hurt him so much.
On Friday, The Malaysian told me that he knew something was wrong but felt he should give me some space to sort it out myself. I thanked him for his observations before reassuring him that I felt much better since I had plans with Em that night (managed to call him on Wednesday between the tears), resigned myself to the fact that I am not psychic, and had done everything possible to remedy the friendship between me and Jay. If he wanted to talk about how hurt he was with everyone but me, then I had no way of helping to resolve those issues. It was permanently out of my hands.
With my maudlin disposition left in the past, I detailed the angry paragraphs sent back and forth Wednesday night and asked The Malaysian’s opinion.
“The whole thing about guys and girls not being able to be friends is an excuse. You just need to get over him, my fren. It’s not worth it.”
Then The Malaysian read my response to his last message. “Do you have to be so rough?”
“Of course, I do. That was a big ol’ honkin’ croc of bologna,” and that was the sentiment I stuck with. I think I was actually in a pretty good place (emotionally) by the end of the day, maybe even carefree about the whole situation. All of Jay’s excuses, reasons, and comments made me wonder why I ever cared so much to begin with. I didn’t have an answer that day, and I still don’t now. However, I did know I was able to go through some pretty horrible things with other buddies, yet somehow manage to salvage at least a semblance of those friendships. I had tried to do that with Jay, but he was the one that wouldn’t have it, not me. Instead, he liked to say pretty things and play nice over the phone, but that was not the way he felt inside. I believe in keeping it pleasant as long as possible, but life is not always pretty and nice. Life says, “Screw pleasant! Be fucking honest instead.” So, I oblige. Sometimes you have to yell; sometimes you have to put it as bluntly as possible; sometimes I yell blunt things that are not pretty or nice. If Jay can’t handle that, or be honest with me, then he is not friend material. My desire for him to be straight forward and up to par as a friend are apparently two qualities far beyond his reach. I simply need more than what he has, more than what he is. Shoot, I DESERVE more, and I demand more.
After that epiphany, the afternoon became a little more okay than the afternoon of the day before.
