Sometimes the Malaysian serves as my sounding board.  In this particular instance I was relaying my “Man Plan” for the new year to get his pseudo-unbiased opinion.  The conversation deteriorated before we ever came to that point.

“Crappery, I need to you to tell me how inappropriate this might be, ‘kay?  Do you remember me talking about the organizational book I bought?”

“Yes.”

“Well, in there it mentions one of the first steps to becoming organized is to remove all toxic things from your life, including people who are toxic.  Before I can do that I need to get rid of the frame I bought Jay for his birthday, BUT I can’t throw it away and can’t keep it.  I’m thinking about offering it to Em for his new house.  If He wants to toss it that’s fine.  After that’s gone then everything I had for Jay will finally be out of my space.  No more Jay.  No more Favorite Mistake.  No more Em.”

“Why Em, too?  I thought you are friends with him.”

“Friends-ish.  Sometimes he is, but most of the time he’s just a horny toad.  I have plenty of male friends that do a whole lot more friendship-wise but receive a lot less attention from me.  Plus, the reminders of Jay aren’t worth the possibility of getting hurt and the fleeting moments Em feels like treating me well or being a good guy.”

“What’s a horny toad?”

I stumbled around for the right words to define the term to someone even more sheltered than I am.  “It’s someone…who is always horny…like a horny toad…lascivious…a perv…ah, just Google it or look it up on urban dictionary.”

For slang I can’t find a G-rated definition of or proper way to describe to The Malaysian I fall back on referring him to urbandictionary.com, the same place he’s also learned about “huffing” and “douche-bags”.  Unfortunately, he now enjoys using “douche-bag” in casual conversation with me.  I do not share in his enjoyment.

I put down my pipette to ask, “Did you find it yet?”

“Still looking, my fren.  Hey!  They have ‘camel toe’!  Is that it?”

“Zachary (The Malaysian), NO!  Do NOT read that one!”  I yelled.  From the other side of the bench I could hear the muffled snickers of a fellow co-worker listening to our conversation.

I don’t think he fully understood that I was saying ‘toad’, not ‘toe’, but based on my reaction I doubt he cared very much about learning the definition of either anymore.