If Barbie Pooped

When I was younger my sister and I would use everything and anything to make a Barbie-sized world come alive.  Fluffy towels were unfolded to make lush carpeting.  Greeting cards popped up to provide doorways.  Cotton balls and jewelry boxes served as throw pillows and benches.  Luckily, Barbie’s surroundings were only limited by our imaginations rather than our toy boxes or piggy banks.

That same imaginative quality popped up the other day after sitting outside on the doorstep.  I thought someone was on their way to the house, so I went downstairs to open the door.  Moving languidly over the cracks, a little snail kept me company as I waited for a person who never arrived.  Before knowing that she wouldn’t be able to make it, I continued waiting for her while watching my companion make its way to moist soil.  Bored from sitting so long, I grabbed a piece of grass and put it in front of the snail’s path to see what it would do.  Slimy ripples undulated over the green blade trying to identify the object.  It seemed to pass the test and was judged acceptable to glide upon.  Something weird started happening.  I bent down to get a closer look.  A long, thin brown object seem to come out from the top of the shell as the slug wriggled and writhed around.  I wasn’t sure what I was watching, yet it fascinated me.  My assumption was it could possibly be feeding or a radula-related anatomical feature.  I ran upstairs to grab my camera in hopes of videotaping any activity that followed.

When I arrived back outside all my excitement dissipated.  The brown line that seemed to slither out of the snail’s shell and over its body was not part of the gastropod anatomy, rather something excreted from the organism itself.

Lying in a coiled pile a few millimeters away from the snail was the tiniest pile of poop I have ever seen.  If my sister and I ever built Barbie a toilet, what the snail left behind would probably have fit inside it perfectly.

plop with green tea essence

For those of you not familiar with the acronym “T.M.I”, it stands for “too much information”.  People usually bust this abbreviation out after hearing about bodily functions, a grotesque story, or anything they didn’t really want to hear in the first place.  Today, I am going to share not one, but TWO T.M.I.s with you.  Exciting.

After my shift at the pub I decided to run some errands to finish out the day.  It had been rainy all morning and was close to a drizzle when I began driving over to Target.  Along with the rain came a welcomed cool breeze that made me want to roll down the windows despite the risk of water coming into the car.  As I’m driving there is suddenly a significantly large brown “plop” on the window.  Less than a second later I noticed an even bigger condensation/steam ring encompassing the “plop”.  Since when did plummeting feces arrive hot enough and large enough on a windshield to actually make a steam ring?  Already grossed out enough, I turned on the wiper fluid to get rid of this steaming pile of crap obstructing my view.  I figured that the fluid, in combination with the rain, would completely remove the feces from the glass.  Not the case.  Instead, I rinsed away all the semisolid matter and was left with various worm shapes gathered on the outer sides of the windshield.  For the remainder of my errands I was distracted by all the fecal leftovers.  It wasn’t the most pleasant drive.

Moving away from avian bodily functions leads me to my own, more specifically to my burp.  I spent all of Friday thinking about sushi and vegetable tempura.  For dinner I decided to assuage this craving by heading over to Oishii.  After I was finished eating, the waitress asked if I would like anything else, “You want more?  You want green tea friiiiied iiiice cream?”

I answered truthfully, “I would love some, but not today.  Thank you.”

“Okaaaay, thaaaaank yooooou.”  She brings me the check.  I pay and leave.

On the way back to the house I stopped by Barnes and Noble to assuage my green tea latte addiction.  To avoid binging on any literary purchases I booked it (pun intended) back to the car and continued driving home.  After sucking down the latte during the drive, I burped.  Of course there were remnant flavors of dinner, luckily only fried tempura, and the taste of my current beverage, green tea.  After the burp, I thought, “Hmm…that kinda tasted like…”  Well, let’s just say I didn’t quite get the actual fried ice cream, but I still got the essence of it.  Delicious.

Gross?  Yeah, I know.  “T.M.I, Jessica, T.M.I.”  I still thought I should share.  You’re welcome.